Dear Sweedie,

It's hard to believe it's been more than two months since you left us. I've missed you every second of every day; it's so hard not being able to talk to you, see you or share with you. Since I can't do any of those things, I'm going to start writing to you to stay connected to you.

The good thing, if you can say that in this kind of situation, is that I've gotten closer to some old friends and gotten to know some of your friends better. I've even met people I didn't know were part of your life, like Abby, and heard some wonderful stories about things you've done for people and/or with them. It's nice to know more about you - the few things that you didn't share with me. It would probably amaze you to find out how many people thought you were really special - something that Daddy and I already knew.

You should know, though, that Abby sent me some photos that I had to be forewarned about. They were on the blurry side, due to alcohol consumption, and probably wouldn't have made me happy if I had seen them at the time. Of course, it looks like you had as much fun partying and hanging out with your friends as I did in my 20's. Maybe it was a good thing that I never joined you at the bar; I don't know if you could have had that much fun with me around (even though we've had some pretty good times hanging out and partying). Maybe I'll have to go down and "visit" with Michelle, Cory and the rest of the "gang" - do you think they'd be intimidated with me around?

I saw Mrs. Wright last week and let her know. She told me some funny things about you when she was your teacher. Apparently, there were a number of times when you took control of her classroom, just by being you! You would come out with something you thought the class should hear or an opinion you needed to share and the next thing Mrs. Wright knew, you had the attention of everyone in the class, taking it away from her. She said she got the biggest kick out of it (although she probably shouldn't have, being the teacher and all) because of who you were, how you managed to do it, all while being only 12 years old! She was very glad that you two remained friendly, even after middle school, and that you always felt you could share things with her, like your tattoos. I'm glad - I always wanted you to have a teacher/friend in your life like I had Mr. Dougherty; with Mrs. Wright, you definitely did.

This will give you the biggest laugh - I went to the Tattoo Expo again, this time with Aunt Deb, Carlee and Dani. I know you didn't want me to take the earrings out of my last two piercings without you here, but I did. One accidentally came out with my comb (don't worry, no damage or even bleeding); the other I had removed at the show. I am wearing posts in both (which I also know you didn't want me to do), but I'm taking REALLY good care of them, so I think I will be OK. If not, I promise to put hoops back in both. While we were at the show (in your honor), I decided to go ahead and get my nose pierced - I know, you didn't think I've ever do that, but since I wasn't going to get a tattoo, it was the only other choice. It did hurt and is still a bit sore, and I wish you were here to give me your advice on what I should be doing or stop doing to make it better. I'm not going to give up, though, because this is for you. I'll keep you posted on how it goes, OK?

I believe that you won't ever forget how much I love you - I know that I won't. You will always be my heart, Sweedie, even in it's broken state, and my forever hero.

Love always,
Mom

Hi dad –
I’ve been thinking about you lately. I’d love to bring
the girls by and visit, but I guess that’s not an
option. I’ve been thinking about you sitting in all
your different chairs and apartments – vaguely I
remember the one in Castro Valley – remember I used to
sit and eat my lunch there while I worked at Safeway.
I especially remember the chair you would sit in at
the Oakland apartment, smoking your cigarette. For
some reason the chair in the Redwood City apartment is
very strong in my mind and I can barely allow myself
to think of the chair at the cabin.
Of course I feel guilty at times, thinking of how I
could have possibly saved your life, but I’m glad I
was with you when you passed on. I think your happier
now. In fact I know your happier now. Don’t leave me
cosmically like they say. Please.
At first I missed picking up the phone to call you and
for some reason I’ve been wishing for that 7 or so
years later.
Please stay with me and visit in my dreams often. I
feel you eternally daddy I miss you.
Wendy

Dear Mom.

I miss you so much. It's March Madness Kentucy got beat in the first round. It was a
tough season, new coach young team.. Xavier plays today. Dad is still hanging in
there, but I think he's getting pretty worn out. He misses you so. Derby is in about
5 weeks, I know how you enjoyed it so.. I hope to go to Ky late spring. Cando
and I broke up some time ago, but it still hurts. I wish I could hear from you, please
visit me in my dreams, or show me some sign. I miss you every day. Love always

Janice

Dear Jean

I'll be loving you always
With a love that's true always
Not for just an hour
Not for just a day
Not for just a year
But always, always

I miss you so much. I know that time is supposed to make things better, but I can't say that it has helped so far. You were so brave and I believe you did the right thing to risk surgery, even though I would have stopped it if I could. I don't think you knew how I felt about it, which was what I wanted. I just wanted you to feel supported and I think you did. It was so like you to assume everything would be ok. You spared both of us so much pain and suffering. It's funny, I never thought of it like that before. Writing to you is more helpful than I thought it would be, but I wish so much that we could talk on the phone or even email. I miss your spark, your laughter, your love, every day. I'm doing my best to make a new life. I went to a lecture on succulents a couple of weeks ago (it was very good) and I'm taking the orchid that I brought from work to be repotted this weekend. I'm in the process of looking for a corgi puppy! I'm thinking of calling her Bunny or Snooker Doodle. Nat and I went to the Golden Gate dog show in January, but I put off actively looking until the weather warmed up and I had gotten the tax info to Gary and the estate info to Stan. I've put together a binder with 17 breeders! I think you would be proud of me. I so appreciate being able to retire, but this is not the way I wanted it to be. I used to think we would go folk dancing together; it would have been fun. I'm sorry we never had a chance to try it.

Betty cut my hair today. In honor of your birthday tomorrow, I took a yellow rose to her. She told me that just yesterday she had come across the prose you left for all of us who are left behind and thought of you.

There is so much more I want to say, but I think I should stop now.

I love you.

Sue

Dear Daddy,

Yesterday was a year that you've been gone. I cant believe that i got through that year without you. I hope Heaven is exactly what you hoped it would be. Im glad that you are with aunt Frances and Mom. Its peaceful knowing that you and mommy are together again and not fighting. Can you see us Dad? Krystina-Belle misses you terribly and i find that she talks about you at strange times. Like the day before your anniversary and your birthday. I got a job and you'd be proud of me. Its someplace that you would have wanted me to work for. A big store dad. I've picked up the phone a few times to talk to you just to find that you're not there anymore. I wanted to tell you so many things before you left us. I never had the chance. I want you to know that you are a great dad and that you taught me so many things and were so patient with me. Thank you! I know that i put you and mom through so much when i was younger and im so sorry for that. Im glad that you had the opportunity to get to know me as an adult and that you got to love your grand daughter. She loves and misses you so much, daddy. Do you know that so many people tell me that she looks just like you. I didnt think so until i put your pictures together on my desk at work. She has your eyes. Hows mom? Please tell her that i still cry for her and that i miss her everyday and that she was the best mom ever.Tell her that her grand daughter is beautiful and she's just like me, like mom said she would. Not a day goes by that i dont think about you. Wishing that i had the chance to hug you and tell you that i heard everything that you ever told me, even when you didnt think i was listening. I heard you loud and clear. I cant wait to be with you and mom again. Dad, the night before you died, i dreamt about you. You showed me the card that krystina sent to you that you hadnt acknowleged before. you told me that you got it and it was beautiful. 5 minutes later kathryn called to tell me that you had passed that morning. Thank you for that dad. Maybe that was your way of telling me yourself. I love you and mom and miss you. Watch over me and Bella. See ya later Daddy

With love,
Your precious

Dear Mom,

I just learned that I could write to you and I want you to know we all miss you, even though after 21 years you still mean so much to all of us. Our family has so much pains and happiness in this last 20 years and it is hard to count them one by one.

Let us talk about the happiness, now you have two more grand sons from Stan after he remarried to Marie . Kids are good and they are cute. You would love them all. Also, Daniel got his little boy, now you are great grandmom now. Frances married last year and Esther is going to get married this year.

After married and divorced twice, dad finally lives by himself in an assist living that I have set it up for him. I spent every Saturday with him even though he cannot hear me well but we try to communicate. I know he misses you too because he talks about you from time to time. All the boys in the family are the same way. By now, you must met with Maria and Robert, yes both of them passed away and please tell them I miss both of them too. I will write to you again very soon.

Always love you,
-pk

Mom,

I am so sorry for not being there when you passed away. I tried to be, but Jack prevented it. He ran me out of the Hospice house around 3:00 pm. and told the staff I could not back that night or spend the night with you. I wanted to, and was going to, but he flashed around his Power Of Attorney, and told me I could only stay if I was willing to pay the bill, for all your nursing and your short stay at that beautiful retreat. At first I did not know you were never going home again. By the time I realized it, I had made up my mind to stay there until you were gone. He somehow knew that, and served up the staff with all his paperwork. So, there it was. The Hospice staff thought he was the biggest asshole in the world. He didn't care. He never even called me to tell me you died, he had the Hospice guy, John do it. That was bad. Maybe the worst.

Your sisters are crazy also, but you know that already. Boots is really driving me up the wall. She has told me so much stuff, I don't know whats true and what is fiction. I do hope you did not betray me , the way Boot's is claiming you did. Of course, you could have made this easier, but I guess you just didn't care. I am so angry with you and so hurt. I also miss you every day and am so sad you are gone.

I have no contact with Jack anymore, he hangs out with his perfect niece and seems happy with it. I lost my whole family in one day. You never even came to me to say goodbye, you only held Jack close to you. I know he was very good to you, and that was a major blessing. I suppose that was all you needed. It just would have been nice, to feel that you loved me too. After all, I was your only child.

Dear Dad,

I miss you in a strange way. I know we weren't close after you left, but those last phone calls stay with me. I heard you desperate, dying, afraid to die. You were so grateful that I called that you would burst our crying within a couple of minutes of us talking. 'Course, that could have been the medication or the dementia; I'll never know.

Mom always called you names and I could never figure out why you left all of us. Yeah, you said all of those years that you tried, but mom never let you. I don't get that because if you had wanted to see us, you would have done anything you had to. I know that now because I'm a mother, and my husband is a father who is extremely protective of his children.

Yet I do think you loved us--at least back then. I have flashes of memories and I think there were times when we were your life, your center. You were particularly gentle with me, your only daughter. I remember you were so proud of me and you always held me on your lap and made adventures for us.

I guess I'll never know what happens to a person--how a person can close themselves off from that initial love--even if in increments, slowly, over time. It just doesn't compute with me.

When you died I felt numb. I had waited all my life for you to acknowledge what you did and to apologize, but you always skipped over that even when I wrote you long letters or spent years angry at you. Unbelievably, I forgave you. I say unbelievably because in so many profound ways you affected my life, my losses. I felt that I started out life with a missing piece, without the security a child knows because both parents are just there. But at some point it didn't matter. What I missed, what I lacked was an idea of a father rather than you, so when you died I was merely numb. I was numb with the idea that there was no going back, no do-over, no apologies, no chances.

Still, I knew that you were the one most bereft when we stopped knowing one another and at those moments before your life ended. I felt sad for you, a broken man without his children. You lived a life on the other side of the continent without us and I think you never got over that even though it was a life you chose. I know that because when we talked on the phone it was as if you were stuck in that early time, that you knew no other "us" than "us" at the time you left.

I'll never understand what happened in your heart, your soul, but I keep the knowledge of those early years--years before you got lost.

I hope you rest in peace, finally.

Your daughter.

Dear Mom,
This is our first Easter with out you.We all went out to brunch in Richmond to Salutas.Micheal has lost a lot of weight and you would be quite proud of him.Paul is moving to Davis to go to school next year.Maria will be at Burkes next year.Micheal and Ceiley still don't know when they are going to move.You know I sometimes feel that you are with me and I can almost see you.I hope you are enjoying the day with Dad and Aunt Mary.I miss you,but know that it was time for you to go.Will write to again.
Your
Son

You would have loved your memorial service. Funny, I thought somehow I would feel better afterwards, but I miss you more than ever. You would be so proud of your family, especially Steve. He’s so young to be burdened with matters of your estate, and especially to be dealing with his uncle, but he’s a remarkable young man and he has such wonderful support.



Over and over I kept thinking you would have loved seeing all those old friends and relatives. As much as you tried not to care, I have to believe that somewhere you are shedding a tear in gratitude and love. I wonder if there is an afterlife somewhere that you are enjoying, and now know all the answers to life’s meaning. I wonder if there is some cosmic reunion with parents and others who have gone before us. I have to think that if there is, it is full of forgiveness, knowledge, compassion and above all, peace.



My dear cousin, I will ever cherish the good times, the family bonds that will live on through the ages. I promise to remain a part of Steve’s life, and offer any support and friendship that he might want and need.



I love you, John.



Debbie

Hi Mom,

Today is Easter and Michael, Caleb and I are going to North Beach in San Francisco for lunch. I wish you were here so you could join us. You have been gone since ’73 but I think of you every day and always will. I know you haven’t forget me either. You should see our garden in Fairfax. You’d love it!

Love always,

Your daughter Karen

Hi, Woofer.

After 17 years of not being able to talk or write to you, I learned this morning that there is this place I can send letters to you. What an overwhelming gift! You don’t want to have to read 17 years’ worth of stuff from me right off the bat, so this is just a note to tell you how very much I miss my dearest, dearest sister. I’ll write more very, very soon.

All my love,

Tweeter

Hi Ma, After what seems like a year I finally had a chance to visit your final resting place again yesterday and left some flowering tree branches so in the days to come, they should start to blossom and with the sun from the skylight shinning brightly on your spot, it should be a pretty image. I left you the usual shower cap which I'm sure the clean up crew has no idea about, but at least you, Ruth and I all understand. I'll try and get there sooner and more often in 2008. Keep your spirit alive, and until my next visit, remember, I'm always thinking of you. r